The absurdities of living
by NuttersAscend
Summary: Sawada Tsunayoshi was a normal kid, that's what he told himself. He attempts to rationalize whatever surrounds him into that logical construct. But, life is absurd and is hardly reasonable. The only one who can fit like a glove inside it is the ones who are clinically insane. Tsuna learns that when he tries to fit it inside a box which becomes as whack as a jack in the box (crack)
1. Chapter 1

Hey there. I guess I'm feeling jittery lately, so I keep hopping all over the place and ideas pop all over. In a way, I'm trying to find a new person I'll be more satisfied with- to live as.

I want to own up to the me that I was in the past, but I also want to delete everything and do a start over :p

Oh, well. Hope you enjoy the story; lemme know what you think if you'd like to.

Here we go ~

* * *

 **Rooftop scares**

Sawada Tsunayoshi was a brunette kid who liked hanging out on the rooftop since people rarely go out there. Being in middle school, he felt like he needed places to escape to. At least he didn't retreat into delusions like his chuunibyo counterparts did.

He ran from his reality into spaces that existed in reality, but the school's chairman preferred to stay in his phase- and no one would dare oppose his decisions. What do you call it if someone's delusions shape up not only his own reality but everyone's reality?

As he pondered, he saw the baseball jock that was popular in class and in his school. It was Yamamoto Takeshi. The boy looked grim and it matched his sorry figure; his arm had been totaled by baseball team's bad sportsmanship for their matchup. Guess being overqualified has its own demerits. The boy was silent, unlike his usual countenance. He wondered if it was better or not? The boy's smiles seemed too perfect, too good to be true. Maybe it was just Tsuna who was being bitter?

The boy had no smile on his face and Tsuna wondered if he took his photo right now, would he strike it big with the boy's fan club? He had wondered if the other had carved a smile onto his face 'Why so serious?'. If he had to peg Yamamoto as something, it would be the person the Joker would be if he had settled down on the countryside with a wife and enough kids to form a baseball team.

The boy gave the skies a fleeting smile and removed his shoes and placed them on the rooftop. He then started climbing over the fence. It was such a curious action that the brunette peeked over the corner to look at what the boy was doing.

It was then that the brunette saw a suspicious fellow who looked he'd be the worst ever ninja that he would ever encounter in his life. There was someone draped completely in a black robe who was at the other side of the fence. He had a scythe on his back and the brunette could have sworn that weapons were prohibited by the DC committee (even if they held themselves to double standards- even going so far as to use the confiscated weapons against the perpetrators and at the bystanders)

There was absolutely no element of camouflage that was possible with a person dressed in black on white walls. He doubted the sights of the students in the school and even his own. Last time he checked, it was 20-20 vision, wasn't it?

The fool then used his hands that looked bony as heck to grab the ankles of the jock. It was then that Tsuna thought that the jock was an absurdly nice guy- to try help the creep who seemed like he was intending on bringing his savior down with him. He also slightly looked up to that creep, for being so bony and dainty but still try feats like scaling the school walls, but magnificently failing and needing someone to bail him out. He thought Hibari would have the creep- no cosplayer (who wears a skull mask in daylight?!) for breakfast.

The brunette felt worked up by the stupid sh*t that was happening in front of him and decided to climb down from his perch and march down to that fence. He picked up a shoe and flung it right at the creep's face who yelped in shock.

Yamamoto looked at him in fright. If he was so darn scared by the heights, this idiot could have called the cops or the emergency services- or maybe call the resident Hibari Kyoya, when he saw the dude suspended on the roof's edge! But then he realized that the jock, regardless of what kind of Adonis the girls in his school made him out to be, was his remedy class buddy.

"You don't have to go so far to be a nice guy to throw yourself off a roof to help that kind of ungrateful bastards!" he barked, remembering that wide grin that the idiot sported beneath the mask.

"Those guys are responsible for their own shit. You don't owe them a thing."

In actuality, the two of them were talking and understanding something entirely different. Seeing Yamamoto's look change to that of bewilderment and finally, to that of quiet relief, the brunette's mind started supplying him more information about what happened in the last week, courtesy of his memory.

There was a shady middle aged old man that blatantly stalked the jock. He was there near the baseball team's lockers, near the school gates, right outside the classroom doors and _no one said anything to this guy! In fact, why didn't he say anything?!_ Oh my gosh! This creep even scaled buildings to have a better peep on this prepubescent kid! And despite all this, the kid decided to jump a fence to lend a hand!?

He looked at the boy in dawning horror. This guy was crazy nice! He would win a medal on being the nicest kid in town, no, the world. Why would anyone be that nice?!

Feeling worried for the _naive_ as hell kid's safety, he solemnly adviced the other; "Yamamoto... You've gotta take care of yourself. You're precious to your family and friends, you know? There'll be no replacements and no take backs once it's all over."

Seeing the kid getting teary-eyed and nod at him with sparkly eyes, he wondered if his words reached the guy or not.

He wondered what it told about himself that he felt like he was a worried dad who was scared about this white lotus, innocent kid of his getting tainted by the world and its nastiness in all its glory. So pure! So blinding! His smile would erase all the evils in the world and by doing that, he'd turn me into dust. He understood Dracula's feelings completely.

The brunette was a bit worried for the kid, despite being one himself. 'Would this guy survive in our cruel and competitive world?'

It seemed like the creep stopped following the guy around. Was it because of that? If he climbed and crawled all over the Namimori school building, Hibari Kyoya would have felt jealous from the blatant molestation and harassment and have gotten rid of the guy? Well whatever it was, it seemed like it was about time that the prefect took care of the menace. He thought that the guy took his self proclaimed job of being Namimori's protector seriously...

The brunette wondered if the cheery demeanor had healed that menace's filthy heart or something, making him fall head over heels for the guy? Like how adult men fell in love with the show My Little Pony and became bronies? If that was true, he truly sympathized with the pain of popular idols like Yamamoto. The poor kid got so traumatized by the incident that he quit the baseball team and took up kendo. It seemed like he had taken a major beatdown on his notion of trust, not even joining the kendo team.

His bullies seemed preoccupied with the sudden change for the moment, that they even left him alone. What was strange on top of that was that the DC committee didn't use the scythe. Was it because that thing was a toy? Or was it because it was too primitive being from the medieval ages? He didn't know that they had taste, let alone high-level tastes.

Tsuna felt a bit like a lion, he had to throw his cubs to the wild or off the cliff to help them learn how to fend for themselves. They will learn from making mistakes over and over again. It was a complicated feeling for a blushing virgin that couldn't hold hands with the opposite gender, and yet was feeling like a father...

It didn't help that the jock, like a baby chick, became imprinted by him and started following him around... At least his smiles seemed a bit more real. Well, maybe that was just his imagination.


	2. Chapter 2

**And I, your willing victim**

When Rokudo Mukuro found that his plans moved much smoother than he expected, he could advance his plan and push back its expected timelines. So he reached Namimori where he intended on taking the boy who would be the next heir of Vongola, since the famiglia was desperately trying to hold down or even capture Xanxus who was currently doing a murder-spree - trying to eliminate any and all competition. If the sheltered brat wouldn't be a successor, he would at least be a good spawn that he could use against the CEDEF who doted on his family and treated them second only to the famiglia itself.

"You want to kidnap me? Well, let's go this very night. We'll go wherever you wish, Prince charming."

He did not expect that the brat would be so gung-ho on leaving his home behind. The boy was zipping through his room, uncaring of the intruder who barged into his room with a dagger on his neck telling him that he'd be good bait or a good pawn for his world domination plans. The boy was packing up only the necessities, his eyes twinkling at the prospect of getting away from this hellhole. He felt like Rapunzel who had the prince help her escape from the tall tower which led a double life as a prison cell. He, unlike the princess, wouldn't let the prince take on her heavy feelings and heavy background story with her equally heavy and long hair. His hair was short, but it was a bird's nest. Well, you can't have all the good things in life.

He finally packed everything he needed in the backpack and looked chirpily at the dumbfounded kidnapper.

"We have to leave before dawn since that wretched prefect will block us from escaping. He's a damn tyrant! Let's make haste!"

Where was the resistance? What would the illusionist do with all his preparations for intimidation and threats? He spent at least two nights rehearsing in front of a mirror. Well, not the last one. But it felt like all his excitement was down the drain because of this kid and it made him become the voice of reason in this plan, and he asked the other-

"What about your parents? Won't they be worried if you're missing?"

"Don't worry, I'll tell mom that I've gone on a journey to find myself and become a star like my dad. It worked for him, so why wouldn't it work for me too?"

"What about your friends?"

"My _friends_ would miss having a face to punch into. I'm going to be the selfish one and leave for my safety and sanity.

If you want, I'll leave them a parting letter having written -'It's not you, it's me' or would you rather prefer, 'Don't search for me, for I shall always be with you... in your hearts.'?"

"What about your dreams or ambitions?"

"I've always dreamed of being whisked away from my dreary world by my very own prince charming~ You've granted my wish!"

"..." seeing that his kidnapper was giving a very unimpressed stare, the brunette hurriedly changed his statement so that the guy wouldn't change his mind on choosing him.

"You see, I'm at the bottom of the barrel and I'm been knighted as Dame-Tsuna. There's literally nothing around when you've sunk as low as I am on the social ladder! I have no worldly attachments!"

The brunette had achieved enlightenment! The statement shocked the living daylights from the illusionist and it even shocked the world, as it relinquished the sun and it decided to rudely encroach on their little heart to heart.

The brunette screeched at the sunlight, "It burns! We might be too late! We must escape immediately!" The relationship between light and dark is complicated by the lover's(not really) need for the privacy of darkness in order to be together ("More light and light, more dark and dark our woes!" )

Rokudo Mukuro facepalmed on the other's theatrics. This was too melodramatic for his tastes- he did not intend on becoming the Romeo for his Juliet, nor did he intend on letting the other become Count Dracula.

Who was he to look at a gift horse in its mouth? The soldiers lay defeated because they did just that with the Trojan horse.

* * *

When the two shuffled across the streets, a hand gripped onto the brunette. The illusionist thought there was finally an adversary to his plans... But the black haired teen looked at the gold, determined eyes of the brunette and said,

"Why would you leave me behind? Aren't we friends? Let us go together!" the jock looked at the brunette with aggrievance.

What was this stupid turnaround? These two can get into their lovers spat without him. Don't tell him that this whole routine was meant for their reconciliation?! He did not want to be the third wheel. But he didn't want to stop the whole kidnapping, but continuing it in this turn of events made him take up a role that he was deeply unwilling to take up.

While Rokudo was visibly wilting, the brunette was thinking that even this kid was thinking of running away from his home. He wanted to tell the jock to think twice on his decision since he thought that the other was just feeling stressed from the constant harassment (concern and nagging from the other's former teammates and the guy's friends.) and wanted to get away from it all. But the jock had simply run into his house for his own preparation, leaving no ears behind for the sage bits of advice of the brunette.

When the jock came back with a blade with a bamboo sheath, the absent-minded illusionist thought that he was intending on making sushi, since that was what the store associated itself with. He then looked at the brunette who told him to call him Tsuna and told the teen, "You don't have to bring the sword along. I'm not planning on slicing and eating Tuna. The boy would be more useful alive than dead.". Tsuna looked at him, highly affronted and the illusionist relished that reaction while Yamamoto looked amused as hell.

The jock assured the brunette, "Don't worry Tsuna. I can still make sushi with this blade- But we don't have to eat sushi if you're not comfortable with them."

Rokudo added fuel to the fire saying, "It's cannibalism after all."

He thought the two would come in grasps with reality when he brought them to their new place of residence- a desecrated antiquated building that would bite the dust at any moment now. But the two started circling the interiors and were looking more and more impressed by the moment.

"What do you think? This is _our_ new home. I'll introduce you, here- these are the ratty torn curtains that don't do the one job they've got. They're not going to protect any one's security."

Yamamoto, the ever ball of sunshine, piped up. "You've got to be more positive, Mukuro. I like sunlight, but Tsuna likes to live in the shadows. It's helped us make the compromise." Tsuna nodded fervently in agreement.

"What about the rat invested couches and the dense cob-web forests?"

Tsuna replied nonchalantly, "The spiders are going to eat up all the insects that can sting us and give us diseases. They're good at eating up the mosquitoes, so they're our pals.

The rats are our stock in case we can't manage to procure our breakfast, lunch or dinner." the other looked at him in distaste and pointed at the roach in the corner of the room and raised his eyebrow in question.

"That's... uh... Sir Lancelot, our new neighbor. I've got no issues with sharing the place, no sirree." the brunette quietly moved away from the cockroach as he said that.

Yamamoto's eyes glinted as he made a single strike at the pest, intending on exterminating it. The cockroach started flying and Tsuna turned pale at that.

 _'I believe I can fly_  
 _I believe I can touch the sky_  
 _I think about it every night and day (Night and day)_  
 _Spread my wings and fly away_  
 _I believe I can soar_  
 _I see me running through that open door_  
 _I believe I can fly'_

The jock had missed the strike when he heard that the brunette gave it a name, thinking that he wanted to keep it around. So he hastily spoke out an excuse,

"I wonder how far can Sir Lancelot go now that it has spread its wings. It's certainly motivated me to keep at it..." he said as he simply moved his hands and gripped the cockroach midflight. The brunette looked shocked at the nonchalance of the jock gripping on the hideous monstrosity. Rokudo supplied unhelpfully when he had a closer look on the winged insect, "It's a Mrs, huh? You might want to change that to Madame Lancelot, Tsunayoshi. Do you want to name her kids as Lancelot-1 Jr and so on?"

The expression on Tsuna's face would make the Scream painting proud.

Yamamoto the very epitome of a gentleman, released the lady and apologized for his rudeness with a sheepish grin. Tsuna looked at the insect-like it was Satan's very incarnate.


End file.
